How To Give Your Mom A Meltdown (by Desmond Bowman)

We are still on the road but I have something special just for you. Today I have a guest blogger. You won't believe who it is! It's my future husband Des and he's here to give me tips on how to give mommy a meltdown. Now I thought I had it down but apparently Des and his big sister Scarlet puts me to shame. I'll let you read all about it. He actually got his mom to write for him just like my mom does for me, and she's such a doll. If you've never read her blog, Tamara Camera Blog, you need to. Well you should after you read what Des has to say. 


Hey everyone, Des here. Madison is my good friend, and my mom really loves her mom, even though none of us have ever met. We're all looking to remedy that as soon as possible, and we like to believe that Madison will agree to marry me one day. Aren't I adorable?



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My mom is a photographer and a writer, and she looks (chases) after two kids on top of all of that time she spends staring in wonder at her camera, making me sit in the best light, and sneaking upstairs to write when she thinks I'm asleep in my crib. Usually, I'm not asleep. I'm hugging my Lambie and hearing my mom's telltale footsteps on the stairs up to her office. She contributed to a book called The Mother Of All Meltdowns and I'm proud to say that her story in the book was inspired by my older sister, Scarlet. Scarlet thinks she's a princess and she's generally very nice to me, so I'm also thinking she's a real princess.


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I would never cause my mom such distress to be described in such a book! If she foolishly gave me her wedding ring while potty-training me, I'd have done something really smart like put it in my mouth for safekeeping, or maybe up my nose. My sister? Well you'll have to read the book to see what happened! That doesn't mean I'm exempt from driving my mom crazy. I just always know when to grin the right way and give her a huge hug, and her adult tantrums don't linger..most of the time. There have been times that I've driven her crazy enough to.. ..write about me! So here are my tried and true tips on how to give your mom a meltdown: 


1. Timing is everything. If you're going to have a diaper blowout, which we all know you're going to have at least sometimes during your infancy, make sure it's when your mom has you in public, just to ensure that she's afraid to leave her house for the next two years. And if you must have a diaper blowout, wait until there's a lull in the conversation when she's out at her mom's group so that everyone can hear it and smile sympathetically at her. When she stands up with complete dignity to excuse herself to the restroom, make sure to swing your legs up and give everyone a view of the fact that the diaper blowout went through your diaper, through your pants, and onto her fresh summer dress. And of course she doesn't have spare clothes for herself, because she can't think of everything! At least not when you're screaming until your face is red while she's getting ready to leave.



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2. This is one to try on a swelteringly hot day in the summer so there's no school, and your mom has to drag your then three-year-old sister with you when you go to the doctor for your well visit. The key is to eat/drink a lot before your appointment to ensure that this appointment? Will not happen in a timely fashion. For starters, when you're being weighed on the hallway scale, pee a perfect arc that just about hits your big sister, until she dodges it at the last second. Drat! However, at least the rug will now need a good scrubbing. Then when you're in the examining room but your diaper isn't back on yet, make sure you soil the rug in the examining room, because that rug had felt left out, and no rugs should feel left out. Next, when you hear your sister scream, "I have to pee!" make sure you then scream to be breastfed. This should also be timed for when the doctor is about to walk through the door. So teamwork is key here, with your sister and the doctor. Make sure your mom doesn't have a clue what to do when all three people need her at once. And do this on a 95 degree day. And for extra measure, save a little pee after the scale incident so that you can start peeing again the second the doctor opens your (third) clean diaper during your exam.


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3. I strongly recommend you do this in a crowded place, so what's better than some sort of theme park or Christmas village? So say you're going to a tourist attraction Christmas store. I'd personally go with Yankee Candle headquarters. While there, yell loudly for a snack and then when your mom is on line at "Mrs. Claus Bakery" with you in the stroller, unbuckle yourself and kick your body down until your neck is stuck in the stroller tray. Then don't yell for help until you see an elf in your line of vision, because you really need that elf to rush over and say, "Excuse me, Miss? Excuse me! Your son's head is stuck in his stroller!" And of course no one can miss the grown woman dressed in a green elf suit tearing through the crowd, so now everyone, including Santa, knows that you got your head and neck stuck in your stroller tray. And make sure that when you finally have your bakery treat, you throw it on the floor.



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And for a nice bonus tip, when your mom takes about 20 minutes to get you and your sister dressed to play in the snow, you need to immediately rip off your snow boots and your socks when you get outside. Then rest your bare ankles in the snow until they turn red and raw. Mom loves that one.



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Can you help me think of more ways to give your mom a meltdown?? P.S. I'm pretty sure I learned from the best, because when my mom was a little girl, she got a catkin stuck up her nose and had to have it removed by a doctor, a shudderingly long time after the event. My poor Nana.




Bio: Tamara is a professional photographer at http://tamaracamera.com/, a mama of two, a writer/blogger at http://tamaracamerablog.com and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter and son in glorious western Massachusetts.