I have been writing this post for a few months now and today I've decided to share it with you. Whenever you see photos of me, you see a huge smile on my face, because I was always taught that no matter what life throws your way, there's always a calm after the storm, sunshine after the rain, and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That no matter how bad your life is, there is someone out there who has it worse. Well I can tell you that while this all sounds ideal, well maybe not about someone having it worse, my life right now is just like that photo above. It's lifeless! However, it used to be full of life just like the flowers below. I received this particular bouquet of flowers from my 4yr old daughter, Madison, who said to me while at Walmart, "mommy I want to get you those flowers, because flowers makes you happy", and it's one of the reasons why I haven't gotten rid of them even now they're gone, because of what she said to me. She knows me oh so well.
For the past couple of months you have all seen the exciting side, all the fun that we have had all year long. This year has been a year of travel and excitement. We have taken amazing vacations, been to Europe, have seen 2 different Disney parks in 2 different continents and life has been great. Or at leas to those looking in. As I recently told someone, I make more money sitting in-front of my computer all day long than most people do on a regular 9-5 job. So you might be saying "life sounds good, so what is she complaining about?". That's the thing! Money isn't everything. Vacations aren't everything and what you see on the outside is just me portraying all the fun stuff. You don't see what goes on behind the scenes. It's like me displaying those amazing pics on Instagram, yet behind the scenes the house really need to be cleaned.
As most of you may know, I suffer from depression. I was actually diagnosed with 'severe major depressive disorder', 'PTSD' and 'anxiety'. Life is not the bed of roses that you see. I do really well behind a computer and I can have a million friends online, but when it comes to making friends in 'real life', that's where my problem comes in. The friends that I've had, I've had them for many many years and once I've made a friend, you're technically my friend for life. It's not that I don't want to be your friend, I just don't want to deal with what that truly entails. I'm not a 'people person', and I will come to your party and pretend to enjoy myself, but deep down I'm wishing that everyone would just disappear and that I'll be left all alone.
I sit at home almost all day long and if it wasn't for my very outgoing daughter, I would never leave my house. Unless we're running out of food, you would never find me at the supermarket. Do you see my in-store shopping posts? Those are done at 2 or 3am in the morning because I'm not a fan of crowds and I always feel like you're watching and judging me, even if you're just looking at my hair and want to tell me that you like the color, or not even looking my way at all.
Living with depression and anxiety is no joke. We want to be included, but we also want to be excluded because we just 'can't deal' with it. I want to be here and I also don't want to be here physically. I feel like an outsider looking in on my life and I tell the world that I'm ok when deep down I'm not. Know why? Because I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm very good at putting up a good mask and those who know me really well knows that I do.
Depression affects relationships with everyone. Your family and friends and sometimes even your kids. While I love my kids and would do anything for them, there are however days when I would say "oh how I wish I never had kids", and it's not because that I don't love them, but because I feel inadequate and don't think I have what it takes to be a good mother.
I do, however, have to remember that no matter what life throws my way, I can handle it. After all, I was an army medic and could almost do the impossible. I could shoot my weapon and save a soldiers' life at the same time. While my life currently isn't ideal, at the end of the day everything will be alright, just like there's always a sunrise after a sunset.