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How To Give Your Mom A Meltdown (by Desmond Bowman)


We are still on the road but I have something special just for you. Today I have a guest blogger. You won't believe who it is! It's my future husband Des and he's here to give me tips on how to give mommy a meltdown. Now I thought I had it down but apparently Des and his big sister Scarlet puts me to shame. I'll let you read all about it. He actually got his mom to write for him just like my mom does for me, and she's such a doll. If you've never read her blog, Tamara Camera Blog, you need to. Well you should after you read what Des has to say. 


Hey everyone, Des here. Madison is my good friend, and my mom really loves her mom, even though none of us have ever met. We're all looking to remedy that as soon as possible, and we like to believe that Madison will agree to marry me one day. Aren't I adorable?



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My mom is a photographer and a writer, and she looks (chases) after two kids on top of all of that time she spends staring in wonder at her camera, making me sit in the best light, and sneaking upstairs to write when she thinks I'm asleep in my crib. Usually, I'm not asleep. I'm hugging my Lambie and hearing my mom's telltale footsteps on the stairs up to her office. She contributed to a book called The Mother Of All Meltdowns and I'm proud to say that her story in the book was inspired by my older sister, Scarlet. Scarlet thinks she's a princess and she's generally very nice to me, so I'm also thinking she's a real princess.


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I would never cause my mom such distress to be described in such a book! If she foolishly gave me her wedding ring while potty-training me, I'd have done something really smart like put it in my mouth for safekeeping, or maybe up my nose. My sister? Well you'll have to read the book to see what happened! That doesn't mean I'm exempt from driving my mom crazy. I just always know when to grin the right way and give her a huge hug, and her adult tantrums don't linger..most of the time. There have been times that I've driven her crazy enough to.. ..write about me! So here are my tried and true tips on how to give your mom a meltdown: 


1. Timing is everything. If you're going to have a diaper blowout, which we all know you're going to have at least sometimes during your infancy, make sure it's when your mom has you in public, just to ensure that she's afraid to leave her house for the next two years. And if you must have a diaper blowout, wait until there's a lull in the conversation when she's out at her mom's group so that everyone can hear it and smile sympathetically at her. When she stands up with complete dignity to excuse herself to the restroom, make sure to swing your legs up and give everyone a view of the fact that the diaper blowout went through your diaper, through your pants, and onto her fresh summer dress. And of course she doesn't have spare clothes for herself, because she can't think of everything! At least not when you're screaming until your face is red while she's getting ready to leave.



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2. This is one to try on a swelteringly hot day in the summer so there's no school, and your mom has to drag your then three-year-old sister with you when you go to the doctor for your well visit. The key is to eat/drink a lot before your appointment to ensure that this appointment? Will not happen in a timely fashion. For starters, when you're being weighed on the hallway scale, pee a perfect arc that just about hits your big sister, until she dodges it at the last second. Drat! However, at least the rug will now need a good scrubbing. Then when you're in the examining room but your diaper isn't back on yet, make sure you soil the rug in the examining room, because that rug had felt left out, and no rugs should feel left out. Next, when you hear your sister scream, "I have to pee!" make sure you then scream to be breastfed. This should also be timed for when the doctor is about to walk through the door. So teamwork is key here, with your sister and the doctor. Make sure your mom doesn't have a clue what to do when all three people need her at once. And do this on a 95 degree day. And for extra measure, save a little pee after the scale incident so that you can start peeing again the second the doctor opens your (third) clean diaper during your exam.


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3. I strongly recommend you do this in a crowded place, so what's better than some sort of theme park or Christmas village? So say you're going to a tourist attraction Christmas store. I'd personally go with Yankee Candle headquarters. While there, yell loudly for a snack and then when your mom is on line at "Mrs. Claus Bakery" with you in the stroller, unbuckle yourself and kick your body down until your neck is stuck in the stroller tray. Then don't yell for help until you see an elf in your line of vision, because you really need that elf to rush over and say, "Excuse me, Miss? Excuse me! Your son's head is stuck in his stroller!" And of course no one can miss the grown woman dressed in a green elf suit tearing through the crowd, so now everyone, including Santa, knows that you got your head and neck stuck in your stroller tray. And make sure that when you finally have your bakery treat, you throw it on the floor.



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And for a nice bonus tip, when your mom takes about 20 minutes to get you and your sister dressed to play in the snow, you need to immediately rip off your snow boots and your socks when you get outside. Then rest your bare ankles in the snow until they turn red and raw. Mom loves that one.



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Can you help me think of more ways to give your mom a meltdown?? P.S. I'm pretty sure I learned from the best, because when my mom was a little girl, she got a catkin stuck up her nose and had to have it removed by a doctor, a shudderingly long time after the event. My poor Nana.




Bio: Tamara is a professional photographer at http://tamaracamera.com/, a mama of two, a writer/blogger at http://tamaracamerablog.com and a nearly professional cookie taster. She has been known to be all four of those things at all hours of the day and night. She is a very proud contributor to the book, The Mother Of All Meltdowns. After two cross country moves, due to her intense Bi-Coastal Disorder, she lives with her husband, daughter and son in glorious western Massachusetts.

Annmarie John
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66 comments:

  1. That is just adorable ^_^ thank u for sharing

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    1. Thank you for reading! Des and Madison will have to meet someday. It's imminent!

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  2. Very Cute post! But I have to ask... What is a Catkin? That is something I have never heard of.

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    1. It's these little furry bean things found on trees - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catkin. They don't belong up the nose but I apparently thought it was a great idea!

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    2. Wow, those look pretty big to have been shoved up your nose. You must have had some real sinus issues at one point with that thing up there.

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    3. I TOTALLY did! That's how my parents knew something was wrong. It was a small one, though. I think I got it from a tree in our house. It wasn't as big as some of those photos!

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  3. This just totally reminded me of the time that I went to a BBQ with my little guy. He was brand new (like 3 weeks old) and had this major blowout while I was holding him by the food table. It was one of those that dripped down his legs and stuff - it was so gross.

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    1. Oh boy - I've certainly been there!! A lot..

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  4. Des- I have always loved yours and your sister's pics! Your Mommy is a terrific photographer and you guys are adorable :)

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    1. Thank you so much!! This is nice to hear.

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  5. This is so funny!! A lot of it is true. Nothing like a kid acting out in a crowded store!

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    1. Thank you! And don't you think they have a sixth sense about that? Airplanes? Crowded stores around Christmas time?

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  6. I love Des. He is such a cute little guy and hope to met his princess sister Scarlet and mom real soon in person! But seriously I was so happy to see my favorite mama and her kids being showcased here today on one of my favorite blogs. And truly hope you are all getting closer to your destination, too today :)

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    1. We all hope to meet you one day! And we'll try to keep diaper blowouts and tantrums to a minimum because we love ya!

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  7. Des, you have some great tips here! Personally, I think if the doctor is leaving your diaper off for any amount of time, their rugs totally deserve to be soiled. Don't they understand boys without diapers? And I'm almost positive Scarlet is a real princes. I'm sure of it actually. Keep up the great work, Des!

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    1. You would think they'd get used to boys with diapers after decades in that industry! But no, they were rather shocked by his perfect pee arc.

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  8. Wonderful tips, Des! I think you are one lucky boy to have such a great mommy. You're both amazing writers! :) Hugs to you.

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    1. We both thank you and we are honored to have you in our lives!

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  9. Oh Des...you have an amazing vocabulary at such a young age!!!! You must be as brilliant as your mama!! ;)

    You had some really awesome tips....I'll be sure to pass them on to my kids and they can add them to their own fourhundredmilelonglist...

    Keep up the great work! And give Scarlet a hug for me!! She really is a princess.

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    1. haha! In "real life" his 18 month vocabulary is quite impressive. I guess he gets it from his sister..and maybe just a touch of it from me.
      We all want to hug you back!

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  10. Great tips from Des here! A little chaos in the doctor's office makes other moms feel like they're not alone! Great job there kiddo!

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    1. Des says, "thanks!" He loves to make other moms feel good. It's kinda his thing.

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  11. Now this is so sweet plus what wonderful tips, very helpful!

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    1. Thank you! And my son thanks you for the tip-giving compliment.

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  12. hahaha the things that are frustrating when they happen and hilarious looking back on it years later. Loved this - made me laugh!

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    1. So true - I wasn't laughing during any of these events (maybe the doctor visit, a bit) but they all seem SO funny now.

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  13. Do you know me? Did you write this about our family? This is just the case in our house!!! At least I know, I am not the only one now. :) Cute
    http://www.coastalkel.com

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    1. haha! Yes! It is your home and everyone's home! I really thought my Des was such a talented guy, but apparently he's in very good company.

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    1. Thank you, Penny! (And Des thanks you too)

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  15. What a very sweet guy! Hope to hear more for him.

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    1. I do think he needs his own advice column. Something!

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  16. OMG they are so adorable & photogenic, cant wait to see whats next, great post

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    1. Thank you so much! Getting photos of the older one is pretty hard, but sometimes when she least expects it (or I bribe her), it works out.

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  17. That is too funny. My kids had tons of ideas for giving me meltdowns. The diaper one is a classic though.

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    1. I agree that it's a classic move, and I'm not sure a single parent out there gets exempt from it!

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  18. That is cute, I never melt down over those things though, they are the little things you look back, laugh at and actually miss one day. It has to be bigger than that to get a rise out of me, take a deep breath and remember they are only little once, enjoy even the crazy moments.

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    1. Totally. I think our capacity to keep calm(er) grows as they do. It's just when he was first born, we had a rough go of it and it was a hot summer and hard to adjust to being a parent of two, and these situations seemed so horrible at the time.
      Not now. Now they seem hilarious.

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  19. Something that always used to give me a meltdown was when I would dress my boys all the way to their snowsuits in the winter and they would make a mess in their diapers. It never failed, I would have to take all their clothes off before taking them to the babysitter and going to work.

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    1. Oh dear! I do love the kid party trick my daughter does (at four) when she's all totally dressed up for outdoors and then announces she has to pee. Badly. "Why didn't you tell me that before I dressed you in four layers??"
      And I hate kid zippers.

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  20. These are such adorable pictures! The kids are so cute!

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    1. Thank you! I am lucky that they are photogenic because they are my test subjects for all things photography and lighting.

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  21. Staying calm when they want us not to sucks. IF I get my kid dressed cute, he will only let me photograph the back of his head. He loves to throw snow in my face, so at least we have that. xo to Tamara being the meltdown feature today! I'm pretty sure she accepted my marriage proposal, via Twitter.

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    1. I did, but if not, I accept it right here!!
      I am going to work on photographing Tucker's face. Although he has a great back of head. It will be my wedding gift to you.

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  22. Oh my goodness! I can't believe Des didn't make it to the MOAM book! LOL. He's too much. I guess I need to get ready. The fun shall begin in many other forms with 2! Great post, Tamara. :)

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    1. Maybe he'll make the sequel, Brittnei!
      And yes, there is a lot of "fun" coming your way. Honestly.

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  23. Oh My Gosh! This brought back some memories of my 2 children so far in our lives. My daughter used to be the worst at the diaper blow out! Always at the worst times too!

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    1. I think it's a real gift with timing. It's often in public, or in the car!

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  24. Oh my 5 year old is better at it than my 3 year old for sure :)

    I am working on my responses!

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    1. I think my four-year-old is better than sweet Des. She gives me gray hair.

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  25. Nice tips Des ! You and your sister are so sweet. I and my brother used to team up as well to give our mom a meltdown. :)

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    1. I come from five kids..and we...teamed up a LOT. Usually we spared my parents and went for grandparents and babysitters.

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  26. I loved this!! I can just picture little cutie Des actually saying and doing all of this!!!

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  27. Haha! What a cute story!! I love this!! I have no idea how I got SO blessed with such wonderful children. My mommy meltdowns are more self-induced due to anxiety, rather than due to my little ones acting up lol. I do know that if you talked to my mom though, she'd tell you ALL about the horrors of having me as a child. I'm told that I didn't do anything but scream and cry for the first 3 years and my mom was scared to even take me through a drive-through for dinner! Haha. I'm looking forward to the wedding in a *few* years! ;)

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    1. I have a lot of self-induced anxiety episodes too! Much more than the meltdowns my kids give me. If only we could all be meltdown-free.
      Glad you're blessed! I was a bit of a terror myself..

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  28. Haha! I love your fiance! Very cute pictures and great tips to give. Love it.

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    1. Thank you! May all of your lives be meltdown-free.

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  29. LOL! I was thinking this all happened to me and you really hadn't come up with anything new. Until the stroller tray incident. Des, your a genius!

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    1. Des likes to put his own unique spin on things. And it's a real top of the line stroller too! Not sure how he finagled it.

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  30. wow, you must give D a HUGE kiss from me!!! How adorbs is this???? :-)

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  31. I loved in this post how Tamara changed points of view and got into Des's mind. He and Madison will be great together in the future! :) Thanks for sharing this one with us at Countdown in Style too!

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  32. Too funny! I'm in the middle of reading the book now. Des is so ready to give mom a meltdown! Thanks for sharing and linking up with Countdown in Style! Don't forget to come back on Friday to see if you were featured!

    ~~April~~
    100lbCountdown.com

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  33. I did not know what a catkin was either - I just googled it. looks painful.

    I swallowed a nail when I was 5 - which gave my mother a big meltdown.

    Des rocks!

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  34. I love this post, especially the ring part because I know that all to well. Being someone who does photography on the side while running a blog. Oh and the doctors one, I have boys and yes it's so true!!

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[name=AnnMarie John] [img=https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X9gUeVik-ZY/WJjwNTOobII/AAAAAAABTJ4/qEhU0n62_AIo-j6-6LA2OFOr44lKCHASwCLcB/s100/AnnMarie%2BJohn%2BHeadshot.JPG] [description=AnnMarie John is a lifestyle blogger, mom of 4, retired army veteran and a huge Disney lover. Formerly from the beautiful island of St. Vincent and the Grenadines in the Caribbean and now living in colorful Colorado, she loves sharing her opinions on everything, crafting and food.] (facebook=http://www.facebook.com/theannmariejohn) (instagram=http://www.instagram.com/theannmariejohn) (twitter=http://www.twitter.com/theannmariejohn) (pinterest=http://www.pinterest.com/theannmariejohn) (email=mailto:annmarie@annmariejohn.com)

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